Ok, it's been a long time since my last posting and of course it's not a good post again. I have to release this somewhere.
It all started 9/10/07 bout 11pm midnight-ish. I was trying to browse movies online. The same boyfriend I've been with since my last posting is the same one now since June 2003. There has been a rash of instances recently where he doesnt see me or what I see as ignoring me. I dont know what to think of it. I kept wondering what the problem is. He says he's working, from 11 to 8 pm, then working with family after that till wee hours in evening or into morning. During these times I've been yelled at accused of not understanding what he's going through, he doing it for us, he's tired, needs to sleep, and cant answer the phone. He has no respect for me when he says he does. Well to get what happened, I had got a suspicion that perhaps the same password used for the movie site was the same for his email, I made an irrational decision to try it. I was in. I saw emails in his box, thought ok, he's kewl. I went further down, I see an email from these unusual ID's, they have subjects, like "hello" "missing you". I start to think what the crap! I debate on whether or not to open one. In my head I'm thinking back to all the times he's telling me he loves me, how he's tired of me accusing him of shit, etc... I open the 1st one, notice the 1st one. What does it say, "I'm sorry I called so late, I left a message and did you like my voice?" I thought what the hell. If this person is darn friend, why the hell would she ask if he likes her voice, what a bunch of crap. Then I see others saying I like your profile, or I'm attached to military men. I also come across a couple of hotel confirmations, one in NC, comfort inn (which he says was for his long time friend-reservation says king bed, 2 occupants (yeah F'n right!) what?) email address is to him from a her. The 2nd reservation is in GA, doubletree (he says this one is for his cousin, male, yeah ok!-email was forwarded to a female (F'n right on this one too!) I'm not stupid. This tops it off. Now I come across another email that says he was in Alaska fishing one week, sometime in June or July, and would be back on the weekend, but he had his laptop (he had no time to be in Alaska at any time). Evidently he went camping with his kids, did I know about it, NO!I'm going crazy by now, I feel very hurt, upset, sad, every emotion is going through my mind. A few more where he is saying "I'm just staring at your beautiful picture wishing you were on the phone or online" and that BBWs were his type, and and one female saying something about her butt, then acting as if she was to forward and apologizing for it, please! As if that wasnt meant. I am steaming by now, this is still about 11 ish, midnight-ish on 9/10. Then there are pictures, naked ones even, my god, I'm bout to explode now. I'm so mad I cant look at anymore. As I'm trying to log off and close the horror, I come across a most recent one, sent 9/10, it's not been responded to. Also that every email that I see, he is giving his phone number out like it's candy, some women giving their numbers to him, telling them to call when they get a moment, telling whomever when he gets off and that he will call them when he gets off (mind you he's to damn busy to call his own damn girlfriend)(about 4-5 months ago, I happen to look at the cell phone bill, see outrageous minutes, trying to figure out what happened, I find numbers he's calling for 60+ minutes at a time(says phone locked up B***Sh**), he yells at me for this and to stop accusing him of stuff , so I believe him and say that I am not looking at is again and will not talk about again, well I happen to recall some numbers that came to mind, they were the same numbers that were in the phone logs from the emails when we argued about that back then). I log out, get myself to calm down, I'm crying all over the place, I guess I fell asleep, woke up to tissues and a puffy face the next morning 9/11. After remembering the horror from the previous evening, I go to see if the darn email from 9/10 was responded to, well guess what, it was just right before he started his shift at 11am. Take a look at it here (removed names to protect whatever it is I'm protecting here, I dont see the point) :
HEY (name removed)! HOW ARE YOU? THANKS FOR THE EMAIL. LOOKS LIKEI'VE MISSED YOU FROM BEFORE BUT HERE I AM! I'D LOVE TO TALKWITH YOU, I'M UP NOW GETTING READY FOR WORK BUT IF YOU LIKEYOU CAN EMAIL ME OR YOU CAN CALL IF YOU'D LIKE (phone# removed) .I'M GLAD TO FINALLY FIND SOMEONE THAT HAS THAT DESIRE TO BEADVENTUROUS (ASIDE FROM JUST DINNER AND MOVIE) THERE IS SOOMUCH MORE TO LIFE THAN THAT! LOOK FWD TO TALKING WITH YOU!(author removed, of course this is him)
I freak out! I get up, shower, go to my doctors appointment. When I get to dr.s office, I text him that I am headed his way and will let him know when I get there. I say nothing because i'm not about to let this one go. This is the lowest level of cheating!!!! I get there, tell him I'm there, I state to him "is our relationship a joke to him?", he keeps saying what am I talking about. I say I'm not stupid, dont talk to me like I'm dumb, who are all the women he is talking to online, why is he talking like he's single, does he want to leave me, why is he doing this? I start to throw out names, I asked about the hotel confirmations, the so-called trip he took to NC for a job interview, this is so up in the air right now. He at first tries to deny it and asks who am I talking about, what am I talking about, until I mention the email from this morning, (from above), he finally found someone adventurous and not just doing dinner and a movie, I ask what the hell? (here he acts as if I'm the one being sneaky, he thinks that this woman is me playing with him, I tell him there is no way this is me, I told him to wait till the woman calls him or ask her for her phone number and call, it's not F'ing me! Then he accusing me of getting into his shit the last few months because he received a damn suspicious email because of where I work, well unfortunately this isnt me either, folk get fraudulent email all the time and at the time he received it we already checked it was fraud, so what the crap, I tell him I trusted him with everything I have, never lied to him, there was no reason for me to be sneaky, he's the one sneaking, and not to blame me for something that I didnt do, he needs to talk to his so called roomate, he continues to say it's me, I told him to wait till she stupid woman calls him, if she does call he shouldnt be answering anyway, over the time we've been together I've never cared about his stuff, never saved any of his personal stuff, I've always had to reasked for things because I wont write them down for security reasons and it's just not something I think I shouldn't be remembering anyway.) Back to finally meeting some adventurous, I'm not the one wanting to dinner and movie, he doesnt like crowds, he's doesnt like going out, I'm the one wanting to go hiking like we did before, go to tennessee like we did a few times, camping, how long have we been trying to do that, but cant because he's busy (busy with who I say), even fishing. I'm also upset because in a couple of weeks he is suppose to be meeting the most sacred person that means the world to me, the person who brought me to this world, my father, I told him he expects to look at my dad face-to-face and shake his hand and gain the respect that he is with his daughter? (Get this, the only people he has not met is my father and my baby sister, who have I met from his family, no one, by chance one time, his uncle, brother, and cousin, but I was the "friend" and I never saw them or met anyone else since then and it's been 4 and a half years.) Anyway back to the emails, because of the hotel confirmations and some directions that were found to some apartment complex, I told him that if he has transferred anything to me from any of these damn women, I will never forgive him, ever! He swears he never slept with any of them (this is very hard for me to believe and will probably get tested for everything again for my own piece of mind, if he can lie to me about this, then is he lying about that as well?) When I arrived at his work, he had only gone to break, which should have been only a few minutes, well it was approximately an hour later. I told him I'm done with what I had to say. He didnt fight too much or didnt argue about like he had before, probably because I was right this whole damn time. I told him that he needs to come and speak with me after work after thinking about what just happened and that his family can wait least 1 hour so he could come tell me what he needs to tell me. I leave, run my errands, help an ex-coworker with her trailer, drop off a ring to be fixed that he gave me. I asked if he wanted it back if he wanted to act like this single man with all those women. I go home, I have a migraine that wont go away, so I go to take a nap. Still not fully gone when I wake up, I ask if he has anything for headaches, he tells me to look in the console, and what do I find there? The stupid doubletree rainchecks for something there. O M G!! I leave it I dont have the energy for this right now. I just wait for him to get to my place. He gets there, we are sitting down watching a dvd. it's about an hour and a half. He has to leave and go home to do laundry. He doesnt say anything, so I ask him if he has anything else to tell me he better tell me now. I state that I cant do this again, I wont be hurt again, what am I to him and what am I going to be. I ask him why he did what he did, he says "it was his big mouth, or he was mouthing off" something like that I cant even remember what he said now, Oh! it was "just running my mouth off". I told him he's lying to me and he's lying to those women. I ask him what he going to do about it, he says they're gone, no more, because he doesnt want to go through this again either. He tells me he wants to be with me. I ask him one last time if there is any chance of me getting anything from him, he reassures me no. (? I'm still very doubtful)
Over the course of our 4 and a half years, we own a boat, we have my truck and an expedition, and supposed to be looking for a house, we bought a laptop(that he uses), I've refinanced many vehicles for him, everything we have is in my name.

 
What should I think? I have never felt the way I did about someone ever in my life than what happened today. I thought I would text my man and see if he wanted me to come up for lunch but no he said he was going to the breakroom and then taking a nap. He was already not feeling well the day before and it was Valentines day. We were suppose to go to a movie and he went home instead and layed down. When this happens I know he isn't about to get up. He sounded pretty serious so of course I felt selfish and wanted to go do something and eventually didn't. Anyway, back to today, I was already more than halfway to where he works and we were texting one another. I told him I was already around the corner and I was still coming up. After he said he was going to break then nap, I said ok, texted him back that I was just going to turnaround. Well I had made him lunch so of course I was still on my way to take it to him. I get there about 10 minutes after lunch break and he's vehicle is not there. I texted him and ask where he went and that I was outside his building. He had just called me and I answered and he had hung up on me, probably not hearing me, I'm not sure. So I tried to call him back and called many times and nothing. I texted him and texted him. I was getting upset because he had just called i tried to call him and nothing. I finally started to text him again, asking where he was, i sat in the lot till 1pm which he returns and nothing. about 20 minutes till I drive the whole lot and don't see his truck or other vehicle and it's not parked anywhere. I drive to a local BJs where he stis sometimes eating lunch and nothing. I go back, drive the other direction around the lot just in case I miss him and nothing. I park where he normally parks waiting for him to come back and in the back of my mind think that I am just going to drive off cuz I was there the whole time. I'm parked and wait, then I see someone walking with him from the side lot where I just had come from a few minutes ago. He is walking with her to the door, so i drive closer and honk the horn. He doesn't look, so I 'm getting closer with the vehicle and drive around a big truck parked by his building and honk again, and nothing, he keeps walking. I honk one final time and stand outside my door and nothing. He walks inside with her and by this time I don't know what to think. I texted him and asked if he had a nice nap with his blond and that he just ignored me and why did he lie. I said some fucking nap! I was so upset. i drove out of there and didn't text anything else. 15 minutes after I drove away, I get a text asking what is wrong with me, I said did you have a nice nap. He said he was running late after he picked up something for his head and the woman knocked on his window. Now a little earlier didn't I mention that I drove the side lot a few minutes ago and if he was napping the last few minutes he should have been parked there when I drove through. He said the woman was knocking on his window because "he was almost late". This still don't make sense to me, since I just had drove through there. He said he parked there cuz it was closer to the door since he was running late. Hmm, now if you were running late, wouldn't you just park and go inside and not wait for someone to knock on a window to wake you up. i still don't understand this, he said she was just walking by. I was still pretty steamed. By this time he calls me and we are argueing because something is not right with what he was saying. I didn't say anything. He said he didn't need this mess and for me to call him when I my shit was straightened out. I asked him where he wanted me to take his stuff for him to pick up. I was really mad. This whole story still don't make sense to me. It still boggles my mind. So the this incident is still hanging in the air and we didn't mention a thing when he got off. I am sticking to my thoughts because the shit don't make sense regardless if he was running late, just parking there, or someone woman waking him up so he wouldn't be late. I drove the damn lot and he wasn't there. So whatever, he said he was getting off early to go to the dr. I asked if he wanted me to go and he was waiting for his boss to approve his time. It never got approved, so he left at normal time at 530. i told him I was going to dinner and alone if I have to. He was welcome to come. We went to dinner and I guess things are okay for now until something else happens. Some was amuck with this damn situation and I don't like it. Now I have my guard up and its going to suck. Anyway, I had to type this down and get it off my mind for now and perhaps come back to it later. At dinner I gave him his card that I was going to give him on Valentines. Dinner was fine, I was a little tipsy, but still pretty upset inside. I guess till another day or another fine moment, this is it for now...

 
It's holy guacamole again. Dang, I need to update this site again. I'm just a slacker. Still unemployed from my jobless post last time. I'm up to my ears in submitting resumes and those F'in cover letters. I see no damn point in those things. I never looked at them when I did interviews. I can't change that, so whatever. I can't even count how many applications I've put in so far. I could fill a football field probably. LOL yeahright. NOt there yet. I do have one thing on my mind. I am having some issues in the personal world. I know some folks will say, "told you so", well I know this. I'm not feeling the same as I do with the person I'm with now. No names will be used here, but those who know, will know what I mean. Anyway, then there is another person just causing too much pressure right now, to a point where we are really great together, but it's leading me to just a great friendship. It's sad to say this, but what I really want now is my exgirlfriend. i know what she did to me, but if it were the last day on earth right now, i would rather be with her. i met another woman, whose just very kewl. We speak on the same levels and know what each is thinking. We are great friends right now and she knows what is up with me so far. Right now, I feel like throwing in the towel and just going my own way. as my niece would say, "thasss it"... Who knows maybe i'll update in another 6 or 7 months. until then, peace out!!!!!!!!!!!

 
Hmm, It's been a whole freakin year and guess what? I'm being late off AGAIN! What a bitch isn't it? I've got to do this thinking thing again. So many things running through my mind right now. Should I go, should I stay, take my well deserved sabbitical, apply internally again? All these things just running through my mind. I swear all the feelings are coming back just the same as last year but not as bad. I got to know folks there for quite some time. Here not as much. I got a few here that will remain "hi and bye" friends. Other "co-workers" who will remain nameless that I should be call major "b" words and other SOBs. LOL Then on the other hand, I also have a couple of best friends, that I moved to actually. I will definitely be in touch with them of course more so than the folks I just met. I've got family here, so I'm not going anywhere, at least for awhile. I suppose I have to get back on the penny pinchin train. Hmm, perhaps pick up a few sugar mommas or sugar daddys. NOT! I suppose I will just take it one step at a time and a day at a time. The last time it came about, it wasn't pretty. More stress than you know and a newly found diagnosis of panic attacks. That's another story, but for now, lets deal with this first. enjoy....

 
Holy Guacamole! It's been since January since I updated. Well... getting laidoff doesn't help any and perhaps I didn't feel like updating anything. Anyway, I've come to terms with most of the news and just thinking about what I'm going to do next. I've been thinking about the medical world lately and probably only because I watch freakin TLC too much. Maybe I'm getting over my head. Right now I'm just thinking about what to do temporarily. Maybe take a vacation, a short one, but a vacation. maybe 5 weeks that I have if I were working. Who knows. I don't have much to rant and rave about anymore, but I did the past few weeks. It kept it with me because I had to be supportive for the folks I manage. When I go home, you bet I unwind. HAHA! Perhaps this is where you can understand the "B!". Anyway, it's short and sweet, enjoy.......

 
DAMN IT! I'm not feeling well and I got to get my lunch and a stupid thing happens. Well my lunch is a can of soup, mostly broth because of that stupid cold. The can has a peel back lid. I'm pulling the darn lid and splat! The broth decided to splash off the lid and guess where? My dang shirt. That's it, I can't talk about it anymore or I'll go bananas!

 
I am so glad today is my Friday and it's Thursday. The week has been horrible. I'm looking for sunnier days (so to speak) but more relaxed days. Now I feel like "dork" gave me his cold or whatever he had. I'm got stuff knocking me over at both ends. I feel very weak and have no energy what so ever. Well, I better try to get some work done, when something else pops into my mind, I'll return. haha till then........

 
Okay......... That's it. It is definately Monday. I spilled cocoa on my shirt and my shirt is WHITE. It's time for me to go home. : ( Please let things turn around for me today.

 
I didn't update on Friday because I was too freakin tired. I was abused during the week and worked my tail off. You bet I was out on time and didn't hit traffic. I got home and took a long, well deserved, needed nap. I had the biggest headache you couldn't believe. Anyway I woke up later and did the normal stuff... What should we have for dinner, what's on tonight, what are we doing this weekend.. I'm terrible. We had bisquits I made from scratch on Friday. Umm, Saturday we totally went to the wrong store...I K E A . Luckily the damage was about $30. I had to get these darling pictures frames for my nieces' and nephew's Christmas pictures. I put the pictures in that night and they came out so cute. Sunday we went to costco, did about $30 in damage. Folks need food right? We had chili bowls last night out the bisquits I made. Overall it was a nice weekend. Peaceful. Spent some money that we shouldn't have, but we had to do something before we lost our minds. It was too cold to take a drive. It was spent $30 in gas or do something locally. I think we made the right choice. hehe. Anyway, I'm smilin because of the weekend. Not smiling because it's Monday..... :-Þ